Mexico 2015.

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The plain old truth is that I haven’t quite known what to say.  I’ve toyed with shutting my little blog down because I hardly think what I have to share is of any consequence in light of my recent discoveries in all things spiritual.  Then again maybe the little things of life are that much more important because ‘heaven is all around us’ as it were.

We went to Mexico again this year and it was amazing.

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It was a slower pace than normal for me and I realize that part of my emotional/spiritual journey will be learning how to truly slow down.  It is only when I slow down that I can enjoy motherhood.  As a mother I am constantly pulled to move quickly to avoid a child’s meltdown, to keep up with the laundry; to keep up with the dishes, the diapers, the nursing, the teaching and answering questions, the endless amount of chores to be done while also being a good mom.  That is not even to mention the never-ending dust bunnies that I see and I know I just vacuumed yesterday (or was that last week already?).  I will never keep up with all of it.  I will never do enough.  And if I try I might just end up not being as good of a mom as I want to be.

So I need to slow down.

There is a parallel here that I am discovering ever so slowly.  Just as I will never be able to do all that I need to do to reach perfection in my daily life as wife and mother, I will also never be able to be good enough, pure enough, strong enough, brave enough, loving enough, kind enough, etc., etc.  Not without Jesus.  What He did for me is only now beginning to take shape in my heart and mind.  It is just beginning and it is OVERWHELMING.

So you see why I’m having a hard time coming up with something snippy and useful to post?  My normal attitudinal diatribe is sort of paling in comparison to the greatness that is HE who is everything, and HE who has saved us, and guess what?  You have been saved too.  Yup, I said it.  JESUS loves you.  Haha, I don’t even care that I sound like a WWJD bracelet wearing-card carrying thumper.  If you don’t know this I’m gonna tell you, because you don’t know until He has introduced himself to you, but once He does, hold on to your behind.  Not joking.

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So, in light of the revelation that has totally taken over my life (because, you will remember, I thought I was a Christian.  I thought I loved Jesus, but YOU GUYS…I had no idea.  I had never MET Him), you can see why I’m considering my blog to be somewhat ‘meh’ these days.

But this morning a dear friend sent me a text and in it she said something about me being an inspiration.  ME??  I thought about that for a minute, and it was surprising and it felt so good, especially coming from her.  She is the one who is inspiring.  But anyway, it got me thinking about my blog.  If my, ‘testimony’ were to reach ONE person, that is enough.

There was this guy who went to preach in Africa.  He was straight-up American with no foreign languages on the docket.  When he opened his mouth to speak to a large crowd of people his words came out in German.  He was speaking fluent German and he doesn’t speak German.  He later found out there was one person in the audience who only spoke German for whom his testimony had obviously been intended.  This is what I’m talking about.  This is my God.  He cares to go after that one lost sheep so badly that He will go to insane lengths with unfathomable patience to get you.  To get you.

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Yeah that’s right, Mr. H. is staring you down.  Be slightly nervous.  I fell for him because he smoked, drank, had tattoos and dropped the F bomb regularly whilst having a sprinkling of reverence for God which I thought was attractive in that sexy-humble kind of way.  That was us pre-children I’ll have you know.  But God is sneaky because it was marrying Mr. H. that really got me.  Slowly but surely his love for the Lord and prayer for my soul caught me in that net and as I look around at all the other fish here with me I realize that my God is MOVING right now in a way I never knew possible.

He is after you.  Don’t doubt it for a minute, and His brilliance in going after those of us who have lived in DEEP sin and rebellion is that once we find that absolute TRUTH, we are unafraid of what others think of us since we have lived a life on the outside our entire lives.  A girlfriend I never would have imagined would give her heart to Jesus texted me in January that she has met the Lord and now all we do is talk about Him.  You should have seen us 12 years ago (you should have seen me two months ago).

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Oh yeah, Mexico.  This is basically how I lived down there.  Dolly chunk-a-munk lived on me and we walked everywhere like this.  It’s our jam at home now and I love it.

I am sorry I haven’t been posting much.  I am sorry I’m not posting fun food stuff.  I have a ton to share there.  I’ve been baking 100% rye sourdough and it’s good but it’s kind of super rye-ee.  Now I’m trying a mix of rye and spelt.  I just want to steer clear of wheat, but you guys.  I can’t seem to pull off beautiful bread, artisan style crumb, with 100% whole grains.  Anyway, I’m going to get to a place where I’m thrilled with something in that department before I post.  I have a couple of tricks I’ve learned from a sweet little rye cookbook I bought HERE that I will share soon.

I’m making water kefir again, but it is taking about 15 batches for it to be lively enough to be super bubbly and delicious.  I’ll post on that once it’s a total success.

Truthfully I haven’t been inspired in the kitchen.  Just doing the few things I do because I know how, but not venturing out much.  I don’t know if all moms with two kids under two have a hard time finding TIME, but I sure do.  Very often I have to choose between washing my hair or changing new poo diapers; catching up on emails or sleep.  The fact that I’m writing this post right now basically means my living room is covered in legos, there is flour all over the kitchen counter, and I need to vacuum before the Mr. gets home.  Will it get done?  No really, I’m actually asking ’cause I don’t know.

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That is either a crocodile or an alligator, but either way, not cool.  You know how they kill you right?  Spinning down down, creepy evil buggars if you ask me.

Back to Jesus.

There is something I have to say here.  You truly just cannot and will not know until you know.  You are an atheist.  Fine.  I have many friends who are.  I’m woo-woo and you can write me off and that is fine because you know what?  He will have His way.  If the hound of heaven is after you, you almost have no hope of escaping.  I sure didn’t, and thank goodness because now that I KNOW, I am just plain overwhelmed that I may have never known Him.  And I’m only talking about in THIS LIFE.  There is eternity to consider here.  You know the whole ‘you don’t have a soul you are a soul’ thing right?  That’s a deal.  And also, C.S. Lewis said God has placed eternity in our hearts.  It’s true.  I knew it.  That longing, that unfillable by any other means thing.  And believe me, I have tried those other means.  All. Of. Them.  You don’t have a longing?  You are stoned then, and that doesn’t count.  You can’t really measure anything if you don’t take the test properly.

And one more thing.  I was in the camp for a while that subscribes to the whole “well, might as well be safe and believe Jesus died for my sins, because if it isn’t true then no harm, and if it is, ‘yay, no hell for me’.”  I say take that one step further and really put it to the test.  Put Christianity to the gosh-darn test and take your coffee loving, book reading, science-y-snobby-hipster-bottom to your favorite coffee shop, pull out your mac, sip your black americano (or true italian macchiato; none of this ‘starbucks macchiato made-like-a-late’ bull honkey) and follow this foolish little formula:

Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal Himself to you (he doesn’t exist right?  So you can do this safely just to prove it).

Read the bible.  I mean, like the whole thing (no, not in one sitting you have to sleep).  Every time you open it though you have to ask to meet the Lord, and you have to actually want the Truth.  If you don’t really want to know the Truth, whether that be that God doesn’t or does exist, then you are just an angry atheist and those are just funny (Richard Dawkins) because they are so angry at God that they spend their entire lives trying to get others to stumble…oh how grateful I am that my sins are forgiven because I have made so many stumble…but I digress.  Anyway, if you want the Truth regardless of what it is, then you will find it.  I promise you.

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This guy here is a dragon.  This guy dares you to do it.

-Bee

Roar.

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I took this photo in hopes of illustrating how I feel about some things currently happening in my life.

When I looked at it I decided I looked angry, or sad, or anything but jubilant and on fire…which is how I feel.

Dub saw it and said “That’s Mama!”  I said “Yup.  What’s she doing?”

I was genuinely curious as to his interpretation.

Know what he said?

“SHE’S ROARING!”  ROAR MAMA!”

Well Dub, you know me so well.  Roaring is exactly what I was doing, I just didn’t know it.

If you read this blog you probably know enough about me to know that I get really excited about Truth when I discover it.  That and I’m kind of a freak show.

I love food, specifically real food.  I have an unnatural obsession with textiles, particularly textiles made from natural fibers like (in order of importance) LINEN, WOOL, COTTON, SILK.  I have too many neutral-toned natural-fiber throw blankets because I am obsessed with them.  I love a good deal, but not at the expense of quality so the hunt for a steal is something I sort of live for.  I get bored very easily.  I spent my entire young life bored, which explains why I did so many totally insane things.  I mean, you have no idea.  I had no fear of the ramifications of my self-destructive tendencies, and yet until now, I have been one of the most frightened people I have ever met.

I know.  I put up a good front, but I have been terrified for most of my life.  Of what?  Whatever horrific thing is on the news or that was on a show or movie, or whatever I can imagine, etc.  My imagination is rude.

Something happened to me recently that has changed my life forever.  I have had an experience with The Holy Spirit.  I didn’t know that I didn’t know, but apparently I have never known Him.  Until now my life has looked like this:

Non-believer age 12-25?

Believer in a God age 25-29

Believer that the Jesus part is significant age 29-31

Believer that Jesus Died for my sins age 31-34

MEETER and now seeker OF JESUS age 34-THE REST OF MY LIFE

I didn’t have any idea that I was so on the fence in my Faith.  The Holy Spirit has introduced himself to me by giving me a glimpse of what it means to have Him communicate with me through my days, and move me into a light of a happiness so complete that human words just cannot explain.  They can’t explain what is waiting for us in Heaven.  They can’t explain the peace of His Presence.  They can’t explain anything of The Spirit to the spirit so The Spirit has to do it.  He is subtle, working gently and strategically on hearts that He has primed and readied.

I am still that young girl willing to jump off of the highest cliff before anyone else, but the fear that ailed me in the silence of my thoughts and ruled most of my life is gone.  I have been relieved of the spirit of fear because I’ve been filled with Faith.  Real Faith.

I was on a literal high for days when this happened.  Then, I crashed.  I didn’t want to crash, I wanted to bask in the feeling I had received forever but I live here on this earth and I guess I have to stay here for a while.  The fear is still gone, which is amazing, but I’m learning that the feeling of His presence that I was given a glimpse of, is what I am going to be seeking for the rest of my life.  It was given to me so I could know why to get down on my knees every single day and seek The Lord (which to be honest, I had never done, until now).

If you don’t know this feeling I’m talking about and you want it (even if you don’t want it, somewhere in your heart you do because it is gosh-darn what you were created for) I can tell you how to get it.

1. Pray to experience the presence of The Lord

2. Read God’s Word every day

3. Seek The Lord in everything you do

I don’t think much before I write, as I’m sure you have noticed.  I hope I am not giving advice that isn’t correct but I have a feeling I’m suppose to write this.

So what is one to do when they are a thrill seeker (whole new meaning to that phrase now) and the thrill is over (even temporarily)?  Delve deeper into the seeking.  Become the freak show He made me to be and focus my life on the advancement of His Kingdom.

If you don’t get it I get it.  I didn’t even know how much I didn’t get until basically just now when I got it.

What an honor it would be to have people remember me as the girl who “loved Jesus so much she was willing to be a complete fool for Him.”

REGARDING FOOD:

This will come as a surprise to many of you but apparently I am a mere mortal.  I totally failed my juice cleanse and I will fill you in on exactly why that is in a different post soon.  Still juicing daily, just also eating a handful of peanut butter filled pretzels here and there in addition.

Gahhhh….