Meh.

dubtub2

This morning Mr. H. asked me “Are you going to post on your blog again?”

I’ve been asking myself this question for some time now.  I am not making a conscious decision to not blog, it’s just that I have had this feeling of apathy wash over me the last couple of months that I can’t seem to shake.  I reckon it has something to do with pregnancy.  Everything does.  You guys.  I’m SO pregnant.  As I write this my french press is seeming to kick in* a little and I’m feeling like I could actually do it again for One More Baby…but most of the time I don’t feel that way.  See, it all comes back to the fact that I am a true rebel.

(*For those who have not heard my justification for drinking a small amount of caffeine this pregnancy, I will explain: I allow myself 1-2 cups of coffee or green tea a day this pregnancy, something I never would have fathomed last pregnancy.  I didn’t have a toddler last pregnancy, A, and B, my midwife says it’s all good.  Doctors don’t say that?  Well, doctors aren’t my care providers, A, and B, doctors condone all sorts of things I would never fathom during pregnancy, and encourage it during childbirth so boom, there you go.  Give and take.)

Regarding my rebelliousness, I guess I just really wanted to break the standard “2 kids” thing that we as Americans tend to do.  Not all of us, certainly, but a lot.  I wanted to have a brood of babies before I discovered how amazing Dub is, and NOW I want to meet all the little buggers that Mr. H. and I can make!  What is the problem you ask?  I’m kind of not digging being pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong, I love feeling my baby move, and I am no longer sick (which is more than I can say for a lot of mamas who spend most of their pregnancies miserable), it’s just…I’m fat.  I’m not fat according to everyone  else, but to me I am.  Beyond that I’m EXHAUSTED.  The mornings are spent trying to catch my breath (apparently I have a practically nonexistent blood pressure), and the evenings are mostly me feeling an out of control heart palpitation and getting used to the fact that my new baby will have no rhythm because of it.  Or maybe, it’s a really complicated jazz beat and I don’t understand it.  Okay, my baby will be a genius jazz musician, most likely.

flowers

It’s almost summer and I have 3 million things to be blogging about, grateful for, taking pictures of, etc. but for some reason I just don’t get the camera and document any of it.  Is it that I’m a little disheartened by the fact that I may not have any more babies?  Maybe.  I feel like a little bit of a failure.  I am kind of made to do this, for starters, and I’m not being a true rebel if I don’t break the patterns I set out to break.  I don’t know.  It’s a stupid thing to be disappointed in myself for, I know that.  Besides, if we only have two kids we can travel sooner and let me tell you, I miss travel like the dickens.  I want to get the heck out of this country at least once a year!  We already do that, thanks to Mexico family trips in February.  Without that I might die.

dubtub1

Why is Dub bathing in the sink?  We have had some issues allowing items down the tub drain lately, and for a while there we couldn’t use our shower!  That was interesting, but Dub being who he is made the best of it.  He is such a joy I die.  He makes me laugh constantly.  He is talking up a storm, and just watching him grow fills me to the brim with pride and satisfaction like I never could have imagined.  I am so blessed.

As far as food goes I have been making sprouted bread, random desserts, and overall kind of being boring in the kitchen.  I sprouted a bunch of grains and then dehydrated them for storage so I can make quick meals and loaves of bread.  That has worked out nicely, so despite my lack of inspiration we are still eating quite well.

I’m obsessed with watermelon.  Obsession doesn’t describe it.  I could cry thinking about it.

I’m so excited to meet this little baby inside me.  We aren’t finding out the gender-EXCITING!  I’m not too nervous for labor, oddly, because I know it hurts.  You would think I would be scared but I’m just kind of distracted.  Having a toddler during pregnancy sure makes pregnancy different in every way.  I don’t have time to obsess over everything that is about to happen.

flowers1

Oh, you know how I’m crazy strange into bed stuff?  Well, I’ve gotten even stranger and replaced some of my linens with other linens and ordered the most amazing european linen hand-made robe ever to grace this planet with its presence and it is en-route to me NOW.  I also bought a sleep mask, am in the market for a vintage-ish fan, and put a down comforter UNDER my linen sheets.  I’m considering lining my mattress with sheepskin too.  I’m a maniac.  No one will ever pass me on the road to perfection in sleep comfort.  NO ONE.

This is a boring post but like I said I am a little apathetic lately and just overall “meh”.  What are you gonna do?

Belly shot coming up next.  Be excited.

-Bee

 

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