Warning: This Post Is About Jesus.

dubcry

This post is not going to be for everyone.  I’m not secretive about my love for God, but the name Jesus really tends to ruffle feathers.  Why is Dub crying in this picture?  Because this morning was one of those mornings.  Nothing I did could please him.  No food, no boob, no love, no playing, comfort, reading, or anything at all.  Except of course, anything he wasn’t suppose to have, such as dada’s empty beer cans, dog food, and electrical outlets.  It’s this time of the month that I tend to get migraines and so I have been feeling one come on with all Dub’s crying this morning.  At one point I held him while he tantrumed out and I just cried and prayed out loud “God, please help me out here, pllllleeeeeaaaaassssseeee.”  I gave Weston a bowl of yogurt, poured myself a cup of coffee and walked away.  To my amazement, somehow, yogurt was the answer.  Or was it the yogurt?

Regardless of your view on the power of prayer (or the validity of faith), I have been thinking heavily on God’s Grace lately.  I come from a very, very different world pre-baby.  For all intents and purposes I should be at minimum, addicted to something, and penniless.  At a very young age I was using drugs and making decisions that should have affected my entire life.  Through no fault of my parents, I confirm to me that we are born with a certain soul and certain proclivities.  I was born HELL-BENT.  My twenties are a blur for the most part.  Yeah, I held multiple jobs and was functioning, but I was dramatic, lost, and always searching for something that would fill a void in me.  A void I could not understand, much less find the answer for.  So I drank a lot, I smoked a ton, I was careless with others and thoughtless and reckless, and all the other less’ you can name.  This isn’t me being a martyr, this is me just being honest.  It is truly amazing I am where I am considering everything I did trying to ruin me.

dubsmileA few minutes after that last photo…

What is amazing about this is that I am loved by a wonderful man, blessed with a healthy and beautiful son, and I have no addictions to speak of.  I have no temptations that haunt me, and I am blissed-out just to spend my days caring for my boy and taking care of my husband by cooking and cleaning (take that feminists).  Considering where I’ve come from, this shouldn’t be the case, yet it is.  Only now am I beginning to understand what, or rather who, has allowed all of this to be.  It has been given to me without me asking, and without my understanding.  I think that is called Grace.

I’ve loved people who I thought were beyond helping before.  I’ve prayed for them for so long that eventually I came to believe they were gone forever.  Then, they come back.  They return from whatever crazy town/addiction planet they had been on for a decade and they are whole and clean and better than ever.  I catch Weston mid-fall multiple times a day.  He is unaware of my intervention, and carries on like nothing was about to severely maim him.  In a similar way I have spent my entire life being “caught” and spared, clueless to the forces that surrounded me.  I’ve seen people beyond saving come to themselves for no reason other than Grace.  I have experienced Grace in my own life that I still have yet to fully comprehend.  I witness my child hell-bent on hurting himself simply through his own ignorance and I see just a glimpse into God’s world.  I see how He can love us through our horrible choices and sin (sin, another trigger-word).  We are like children who just don’t know.  We don’t see.

dubfish

After Weston finished his yogurt he had another good cry and then took a bath.  By this point the coffee had kicked in and I was feeling better.  Bath time=best time for Dub, so he was happy, I was happy, and even though I looked away for a second and turned back to find him tasting his poo, it was cool.  We filled the bath back up and enjoyed the time.

I’ve not always been a believer.  I’ve also spent some time believing in God, but not really being comfortable with the “Jesus” part.  Lately, I’m starting to understand why Jesus is the key to the whole thing.  Without Him, without His sacrifice, we would all be lost forever.  The concept that there is a King of everything, a King higher than all other Kings; that that King would die for those that serve him?  It’s completely backwards and the most beautiful story ever told.  I am finally starting to understand how ever-present Jesus has been in my life.  I need him in every second of my day.  Prayer is a real thing, and I honestly don’t know how people get by without it.  Yes, it is comforting, but it’s more than that.  It is real, and I’m so grateful I have the chance to know Him.

plants

Are you puking a little in your mouth right now?  I get it, I’ve been there, and no I don’t mean I’ve been there as in I know more than you.  I just get it.  It took me forever to warm to the idea of looking like a complete fool.  Of being made fun of by most intellectuals.  Of being mistaken for those totally screwy Christians that gave the rest of us a bad name by passing judgement, by being hypocrites, by misrepresenting, and by being dumb.  I’m not a typical Christian.

I knew a priest once who was an alcoholic.  He spent years on the street, homeless and addicted to drowning his sorrows.  He had lost everything.  I don’t know what brought him to the priesthood exactly, but I know that he was one of the most REAL people I had ever met.  His humility was humbling.  His honesty dumbfounding, and his entire life seemed a contradiction.  This man passed no judgement on anyone, and was truly, truly kind.  It is a man like that, that brings people into the fold.  He was just one person in my long journey toward God that drove me to and not from.  That man’s life was similar to the life of Jesus.  Jesus, who was perfect, obviously didn’t have a life like the first-half of that priest’s life.  What he did have was the contradiction of the second-half.  He accepted without judgement those who were the lowest and the most despicable.  He loved and welcomed those who all others considered trash.  Where on this earth, other than The Bible, is there a story like this?  Nowhere.

I know I’m late to this game.  I grew up in church, rebelled from it completely, tried on every other faith and approach, and now I am here understanding (or beginning to) just how incredible it is that we are saved.  I’m okay with whatever negativity I will face for believing what I do.  I pray that my life can be an example to even one person that Grace is real, and God is real, and no one is beyond redemption.

bee

Now go forth, or whatever.

-Bee

6 thoughts on “Warning: This Post Is About Jesus.

  1. This is truly amazing!! And said perfectly. I love you, I am blessed by you and I am in awe of you. SHOW us Lord, we are watching. SPEAK Lord, we are listening. LEAD us Lord, we are willing. This day for His kingdom.

    I’m so blessed to have you in this life, my sister.

  2. I’m happy you’ve had something resonate so deeply with you. I agree on so many levels, about feeling we have are born with certain proclivities and I’ll even go further to say that I really feel everything was written, call it fate, destiny, god who is in charge. Our paths are our paths and we make the decisions to take whatever lessons we need along the way, when we’re ready to take them but they are all things there for a purpose, just like both our raging 20’s. Those served their purpose in so many ways to allow both you and me to be… here.

    The one thing that I didn’t resonate with was that the story of Jesus is the only one around. I’d like to point to the Buddha, to any number of the gazillion Hindu sages, to Mohammad, and to the many enlightened souls before Jesus and after Jesus. They are all from one God (I’ve just gotten somewhat used to that word, I still prefer Universal Consciousness 😉 ) to send the same message in a different way that will resonate with different people, which is beautiful. I’d like to think those same but different messages were crafted w/ the hopes of unifying people, which unfortunately hasn’t happened in the grand scheme, mostly because people think their’s is the one and only and then fight those who took more to a different wise person. Jesus was certainly not the first great human on this earth and he’s most certainly not the last.

    My biggest hang up with Christianity and any other religions are the fanatics who think theirs is the one and only and they take the words as literal vs ever actually trying to grasp the true meaning. This seems to be most prevalent in both Christianity and Islam, which is unfortunate, because it’s given both a bad name because certainly not everyone of both faiths are like that.

    I really dug hanging with you and I’ve loved how your life has unfolded in such a beautiful way because you’ve deserved this, you’ve always deserved this. I’ll never fight ya on anything in your faith because it’s your faith, but I’ll always remind anyone who says “their story” is the only because no… it’s not 🙂 Thank god it’s not the only story of goodness too because this world would be a very, VERY ugly place if it were.

    Much love, lady!!
    j.

    • Jessica,
      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, and I agree with you. Regarding Christians, I have spent most of my life shining a spotlight on their judgement and hypocrisy; claiming their way was the only way was a part of what repelled me. I get why you would be put off by my wording there, so further discussion is probably required-in fact why don’t we just promise to enter a heated debate over beers next time I’m over your way? I have some thoughts, as you might imagine. I will say though that I am far from “deserving”. I deserve a VERY different life than the one I’ve been given. I want to hear more about your time in India next time we see you, please! Love you girl.

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